Last day of 2010~

I woke up today, feeling very happy!
I dreamt that darling has bought me a house, a very big motel+house type of house. The kitchen is nearly as big as a normal apartment living room! Then there is a corridor, diving the house into left and right. I chose to see the left side of the house, and guess what? It's a dorm for backpackers, there's even a cafe! Outside of the window I can even see paddy field! Very scenery. But I don't have a chance to have a look at the right side of the house because I was too happy and I woke up. :(
Anyway, in the dream too, there's another woman, her name is Margeret, I don't know why I named her Margeret. I don't understand why darling gave my ring to her. That's what puzzled me, and I even ask him about it. Of course he won't know what am I babbling about! LOL! But in the dream, he doesn't has any relationship with the woman, and I can actually feel that he really loves me even in the dream! And another reason why I'm so happy is that, he holds my hand tightly when I saw the way 'Margeret' looks at him and I'm in doubt. Does this means that, he'll never give up on me for some other woman, and neither should I?
Anyway, Happy New Year to everyone!

day 19...... tired day

Just came back from work. We need to do stock-take today, so a few cashiers from upstairs came and helped us out. Me, the pig and a few staffs are settling in- and out-patients while others do the stock-take. Whole pharmacy is like morning market, so noisy. I'm so tired today, don't know whether it is because of stock-take or that my period is coming. I'm having backache since this morning.
He said he's gonna go away maybe around middle of next month. I certainly hope so. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? To do it again and again even though my heart told me not to do that again but my body just react to it. I feel so awful. As if it's not going to end. He kept saying that he won't do that again but the next day it's still the same. Does he think that I'm some kind of a toy or what that he can use when he's boring?
Though I don't like him at all, and most of the times feel that he's very annoying, irritating and disgusting, but when he said that he's going away, I feel a little bit sad. Partly because I'll have to pay more which I certainly don't like about it! And partly because, I'm a bit jealous (of what? I won't tell.)
Sometimes, when I'm reading a book, I fell so in love with the characters, I always feel like I am the main character itself already. Last time, when I'm reading Twilight Saga, I feel as if I am Bella. The girl which has the vampire character in herself even before she was changed. Now, I feel that as if I'm Elena. Elena is a girl that even her purpose is pure and harmless, but others will think that she always wants everything to be revolved around her. Only that I have my own Stefan, but without Damon to torn me apart. What I mean is, I don't like others to "overlook" me. I would like myself to be in the center of the universe. When they "overlook" me, even though I have a boyfriend already, or that I'm their best friend, that is still not enough for me! I'll be jealous! Not satisfy by what I already have.

Let's add some color into my blog!

Yesterday working night shift, from 10pm to 8am, was a new experience to my training. It's quite boring, but I can do whatever I like there without worrying that the senior staffs will not be happy! LOL!
Then this morning, after work, I thought of going straight to post office near Christ Church to pay my utilities bill. When I arrived, it's just 8.05am, and the post office opens at 8.30am. I park my car at the road side but I've run out of coupons. Then I decided to drive around finding for carpark. That fella looking after the carpark wanted to collect RM5 from me! I was like, WHAT?! I just wanted to go to the post office! Then I ended up paying him 3 bucks. Well, at least I'm not afraid of being summoned!
But it's still early, and my stomach ached. I went around and noticed that there's a sign board showing the direction to public toilet. Oh, thank God! It's near the riverside and it's quite far, right behind the Red Building. I thought I'm not going to find it. After finishing my business, I stood at the riverside, feeling the cold breeze in the morning, peacefulness and calmness. Then I took some photos.

Here's the idiot! LOL

There's my car... Kenari at the back row...

Sungai Kampung Mortem

Here's the post office without a proper parking lot

The famous tourist spot

Oh my! look at the eye bags!

more people are coming!

can anyone tell me what fruit is that?

all the sakais........ including me..

Malacca Strait is just beyond

City view from Menara Taming Sari.

Jonker walk is just opposite

Those bricks are since Holland domination era in Malacca! I think... I didn't read the description properly.

Nice flowers!

After half an hour or so, I finally realized that the post office won't be opened because TODAY IS PUBLIC HOLIDAY! IT'S CHRISTMAS! Sigh....
Then I decided to wait for my cousin because she said she's coming around 9 something. I don't want to waste that RM3 for nothing, so I continued to become sakai there. I'd even help a family from Singapore to take their family photos!
Finally when my cousin arrived, she said they are going for Duck Tour. I went there to meet her and went up to Menara Taming Sari together. I never been up there after so many times passing by. And I'm glad I didn't, because it costs RM10 for just that 2 spins! But it's a nice view up there. For those foreign tourists, you guys may try it out.
After that I went back home because I'm really exhausted and all I want is to jump into my bed and sleep!
Here's the story of my Christmas in Malacca!

Day 14... sunny day

He said he regretted, and want us to forget whatever happened and don't ever bring it up anymore.
He did it when he's not around, and tried to get away with just an apology message, not even apologizes to me face to face! What a coward! Oh, wait, I've know about that  long time ago!
Then why does he do that in the first place? Just out of curiosity?
But I can't! I can't just forget everything, as if I have short-term memory loss! I just keep thinking, thinking and thinking! It's killing me that I couldn't tell a single soul about it! Not even to my best friend!
Later on, he said he didn't regret of doing it but instead, he's afraid of something bad might happens!
I know it sounds crazy, but my mind have been flashing back about the good part this whole time and not the bad part of it. If only I could just remember the bad part, it'll make a whole lot easier for me!
It will never ever be the same anymore between us. I only hope that everything will end soon, and then I can get out of this worst nightmare ever!

Day 12..... Gloomy day

I almost did something wrong today. Something that is irreversible to me mentally and physically, something that will not only hurt myself and my darling.
But luckily, it's "almost". Means nothing has gone wrong and I stopped before anything has gone too far.
I shouldn't have done it. Just out of curiosity, to see how far I can go.
I'm not sure anyone that I know, will know about this. I certainly hoped not!
Anyway, I've proved a little research of mine today. Would love to share with you but uh-ah...... I won't talk about it. It's a little secret of mine!

Day 8….. heavy rain

This morning, I purposely told him that I’m going out for movie with the guy he doesn’t like me to get close. He said he can’t trust him. Me neither, just normal friend. As expected, he’s angry. That’s a good thing, it means that he still care. But the bad thing is, he hung up on me! And he ignores me! I should be the one doing that and not him ok?! He doesn’t has that kind of priority in this matter!

I thought we’re finish this time.

Finally we ‘talked’ (SMS), he finally knows what I’ve been going through this few days, not just some PMS messing with my emotion.

And I think we’re good right now. Sigh.

Day 8.... boring day

Spend the whole day in front of my laptop, if not, sleep.
Finish watching Vampire Diaries Season 1, wondering where can I find season 2 DVD.
This whole day, he just message me 3 messages. Are all men like that? When they got busy, they'll start to forget everything else? I feel like I'm single right now. What's the point?

Day 7…. sunny day

It’s been a week.

Just SMS him, and, no good.

Kinda fought, well, not exactly fought. Just me, told him not to talk to him.

I know he’s been busy, and I shouldn’t make a fuss about it, but I really need to talk to him!

And now, it doesn’t even matter any more. What I’ve wanted to tell him is not important anymore.

In fact, nothing seems to matter to me anymore. Whatever I wanted to share with him, is just not important.

Day 6….rainy day

I just switched off my phone. I don’t want to switch it back on, not until tomorrow morning.

I wanted to talk to him so much, listen to his voice, tell him whatever that happened today. But his too busy to talk to me and instead, asked me to sleep earlier. Concern, yes; caring, no.

I don’t know what else to say to him anymore except: have you eaten? Are you tired? Are you busy? Are you working? I love you. That’s all for this few days. Pathetic. I wanted to say more, but whenever questions other than that, either he won’t replies or he’s too busy to replies and end up forgot what I’ve asked. Even if he replies, it’ll just be one or too single words.

I’m not sure why he can be that busy at there and so lazy at here. Not to say lazy, but I had a feeling that he just doesn’t like to do normal jobs. Sorry I can’t say more about that. I’m not looking down at him but, how am I suppose to tell others what is his job? Especially when my mom asks or my to best friends. I don’t even dare to tell them. I’ll just try to cover up for him. I mean, when will this end? Can’t he just try to find a proper, normal job and starts settling down?

Mom’s right. We’re 21 this year, soon will be 30. Are we going to live like this forever? Never an extra penny in the pocket, not to say in the bank account…. doesn’t own a car or house even when we’re 30….. etc. I still can tell her that we’re still young, there’s a lot of time to earn money, that I don’t even graduate yet and don’t have a job right now, blah blah blah….. But what about 3 or 4 years later?

Two parts of me are trying to tear me apart. On one side, the romantic side, I was dying to marry him,we’ll save the wedding cost by not inviting all the relatives and friends, and use the money for honeymoon instead; have 2 kids, live a happy live ignoring what others think. On the other hand, the realistic side, I don’t want to marry him without a fancy wedding, without a house, without everyone agrees that he is the guy that I should’ve married long ago. Dilemma.

Unbelievable - to me

Here I am, sitting in front of my laptop, in the dark, just created a new blog after abandoning the first one and the other one in Wordpress for so long. I just wanted a place where I can write down whatever things that I wanted to tell my dear so much, and I want to save cost from buying a diary which I'm sure I'll just be wasting it after writing for a few times.
I can't believe that it's been five days since I saw and hugged him and oh gosh, how I wished I could just hug him and kiss him right now. Live is sucks without him, and it's very boring and dull without him making stupid jokes around me and make me laugh.
Every morning, I'll wake up and go to work. There, I'll start thinking about him every minute and every second I can. Previously, I was very eager to go home because I can see him sitting right in front of the TV playing PS2 and smiles when I walk into the room. Now, it's just an empty room without a warm-welcoming smile and I rather not come back to face it.
I know it sounds stupid, but the truth is, I can't live normally without him. I have to be the superglue which are glued to him everyday without fail and I know he wants me to. I always appreciate with him by my side. Though his not here, but I know his heart is totally with me.
I called him this afternoon about his flight back here on June next year. I thought we'd agreed that as soon as I finish my practical, we'll move back to my hometown together. But since now he has already got a lot of things to do, he's not quite sure about that. He will come over here to help me move all my stuffs back to my place, then linger a bit longer, but he'll still go back to continue his job. That's what I'm upset about. I don't like the feeling of being apart. Again and again. That's why so many people are scare in having long-distance relationship. It's not about trust, it's about being apart is really difficult! You can't touch, hug, kiss or even tell the one you love how much you love him/her face to face.
1 year being apart is enough darling, I don't need another. I know you said before that you WILL marry me and you want me to trust you that you won't cheat on me while you're there. And I TRUST YOU. It's just that, I don't want you to come over here to meet me on this coming chinese new year, then go back; and come again on June, then go back again until 'further notice'. I hate sending you to the airport and come back alone again and again, and I have to force myself not to cry in front of you.
There's so many things I wanted to say to you but whenever you call, I just forget everything. As if, nothing else is important because all I want is to hear your voice, that's it. I even tried to change my shift to night time so I can avoid sleeping alone at night at least for a few days. I can't sleep well this few nights because I'll be waking up in the middle of the night finding for your arms to wrap around me, which you usually did when you're here.
I know it's selfish to ask you to just stay and give up everything you have there, I really wished that I could be that selfish. But I know I can't. What you did is for our future, and I'm really glad.
Just so you know, I really miss you. Like, A LOT.